How to Not Look High (When You Definitely Are)

Let’s be honest: you’re high, and you’re about to interact with the real world. Maybe your landlord just texted that they’re stopping by. Maybe you forgot your mom is coming over for dinner. Maybe you just really need to grab milk from the bodega and the idea of making eye contact with another human feels like an Olympic event.

The good news? Most people aren’t paying as much attention to you as your paranoid high brain thinks they are. The less good news? You probably do look at least a little high, and there’s only so much you can do about it.

The Dead Giveaways (And What You Can Actually Fix)

Some signs of being high are manageable. Others? You’re just going to have to own them and hope for the best.

Your Eyes: The Betrayers

Red, glassy eyes announce your current state to the world like a neon sign. This is the big one, the telltale sign that even the most oblivious person might notice.

Eye drops are your best friend. Keep a bottle in your bag, your car, your pocket. Rohto, Visine, Clear Eyes – whatever brand you prefer. A few drops make a surprising difference, though your eyes might still look a bit glassy. According to this guide on eye redness, these drops work by constricting blood vessels in your eyes. Just don’t overuse them; your eyes can become dependent.

Sunglasses work outdoors. Inside, they make you look more suspicious, not less. Nobody believes you’re protecting your eyes from fluorescent lights at 9pm in a bodega.

The squint. If you don’t have eye drops and can’t wear sunglasses, slightly squinting helps hide the redness. You’ll look tired or maybe skeptical, but not necessarily high. It’s not perfect, but it’s something.

The Smell: It Follows You

You smell like weed. Your jacket smells like weed. Your hair probably smells like weed. If you smoked some beautiful cannabis flower, the smell clings to everything like an overly attached friend.

Change your shirt. Seriously, this helps more than you’d think. Smell lingers on fabric, especially if you were hotboxing anywhere.

Hand sanitizer and lotion. Your hands smell the most. A quick hand wash with soap works best, but hand sanitizer plus lotion masks the smell reasonably well. Scented lotion is your friend here.

Gum or mints. Your breath definitely smells. Pop a mint or gum immediately. Not the wimpy kind – go for strong peppermint or cinnamon that actually masks odors.

Perfume or cologne is risky. A light spray can help, but too much makes you smell like weed plus bath products, which somehow draws more attention. Use sparingly, if at all.

Your Behavior: The Wild Card

This one’s trickier because your high brain isn’t great at monitoring your own behavior.

You’re talking too much or not enough. High people either become chatty philosophers or go completely silent. Aim for normal conversational participation, even though every word feels like it takes tremendous effort to produce.

You’re laughing at nothing. That random thought about how pigeons walk? Hilarious to you, weird to everyone else. Try to keep random giggling to yourself, though this is admittedly very difficult.

You’re moving too carefully. You’re concentrating really hard on appearing normal, which makes you move like a robot trying to pass as human. Relax. Move naturally. Yes, this is impossible advice, but try anyway.

Time is weird. That interaction you think lasted 20 minutes? It’s been 90 seconds. Conversely, you might think you responded immediately when actually 10 seconds of silence passed. There’s not much you can do about this except be aware it’s happening.

The Art of Acting Normal

The key to not looking high is doing less, not more. Every elaborate attempt to seem normal makes you seem more suspicious.

Keep It Simple

Stick to one-word answers when possible. “Hey, how’s it going?” “Good, thanks.” Done. Don’t elaborate. Your high brain wants to explain your entire day in detail, but resist this urge.

Avoid complex tasks. This is not the time to try parallel parking or making change from a $20. Keep interactions simple and straightforward.

Don’t over-explain anything. “I’m just tired” is sufficient. “I’m tired because I didn’t sleep well because I was thinking about this thing and then my neighbor’s dog started barking and…” – you’ve lost the plot and confirmed suspicions.

Strategic Positioning

Text instead of call. If you can handle your business via text, do it. You have time to think about your responses and nobody can hear your voice.

Online order everything. Delivery apps are a gift to high people everywhere. You don’t have to talk to anyone, you can take 10 minutes to decide between menu items, and the food comes right to you.

If you must go out, go to busy places. Crowded spaces mean less personal interaction. The bodega at 3pm on Saturday is safer than the same bodega at 8am on Monday when you’re the only customer and the guy behind the counter wants to chat.

What Doesn’t Work (Stop Doing These Things)

Some common strategies make you look more high, not less.

Acting overly energetic. You’re not fooling anyone by being weirdly upbeat and animated. You just seem high and also exhausting.

Complicated lies. “I have allergies” to explain red eyes works. “I have allergies and also I was chopping onions and also I haven’t been sleeping well because of seasonal changes” sounds like someone who’s definitely high.

Avoiding all eye contact. This makes you look suspicious and possibly guilty of crimes beyond cannabis consumption. Brief, normal eye contact is fine. Your eyes might be red, but refusing to look at anyone draws more attention than the redness itself.

Eating in public to satisfy munchies. Nothing says “I’m high” quite like someone methodically working through an entire bag of chips in the frozen food aisle at 10pm. Wait until you’re home.

The Nuclear Option: Just Own It

Sometimes the best strategy is acceptance. You’re high. If someone figures it out, the world will continue spinning.

Most people don’t care. Your neighbors probably aren’t monitoring your sobriety. The bodega guy has seen way stranger things than someone buying snacks with slightly red eyes. Your building’s package delivery person is just trying to get through their shift.

Legal considerations aside, it’s not that serious. You’re not operating heavy machinery or performing surgery (hopefully). You’re getting ice cream or checking your mail. The stakes are actually very low.

Your paranoia is amplified. That person who glanced at you? They weren’t judging you. They’re dealing with their own stuff and barely registered your existence. Your high brain is convinced everyone is staring and judging, but they’re genuinely not.

Emergency Protocols

Sometimes you need to de-escalate quickly because an unexpected interaction is happening right now.

The bathroom excuse. “Sorry, I really need to use the bathroom” buys you time to collect yourself, use eye drops, and formulate a plan. It works in almost any situation.

The headache claim. “I have a terrible headache” explains squinting, quietness, wanting to cut conversations short, and general weirdness. Plus people usually offer sympathy and leave you alone faster.

Fake a phone call. Pull out your phone, look at it seriously, and say “Sorry, I need to take this.” Walk away. Pretend to have a brief conversation. Return somewhat more collected. This doesn’t work if you’ve already been talking to someone for several minutes, but it’s great for avoiding interactions entirely.

Prevention: The Real Solution

The actual best way to not look high is to plan better.

Time your consumption. If you know your landlord tends to stop by between 2-4pm, don’t smoke at 1:30pm. Exercise basic risk assessment before consuming, even though this is asking a lot.

Clear your schedule. The safest way to not have to hide being high is to not have obligations. Clear your afternoon, settle in at home, and don’t worry about appearances because nobody’s seeing you anyway.

Know your timing. Different cannabis products affect you differently. Edibles last much longer than flower but also take longer to kick in. If you need to seem normal by 6pm, don’t eat an edible at 4:30pm. Plan accordingly.

Choose your battles. Some situations are worth skipping the session. Family dinners, work calls, apartment inspections – maybe just stay sober for these. The high will still be there afterwards.

The Bottom Line

Looking completely sober when you’re genuinely high is nearly impossible. Your eyes are red, you smell a bit like weed, and you’re moving with the careful deliberation of someone balancing a stack of plates.

The goal isn’t perfection; it’s good enough. Eye drops handle the most obvious tell. Changing your shirt and washing your hands addresses the smell. Brief, simple interactions minimize the chance you’ll say something weird. Keep your errands quick, your explanations shorter, and your paranoia in check.

Most importantly, remember that your high brain is convinced everyone is judging you and knows you’re high. In reality, most people are too wrapped up in their own lives to care about your slightly red eyes at the grocery store. The mailman isn’t taking notes. Your neighbor barely looked up.

Plan better next time, keep eye drops handy, and accept that sometimes you’ll just have to interact with the world while obviously a bit high. It’s fine. Everyone will survive, including you.